Hey! Randy

Breathing Regulations

Posted by heyrandy on May 22, 2009

In an effort to combat the increase in global warming, the Obama administration has today announced that it will be issuing regulations on breathing.  Since it is well known that humans inhale oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide, a major greenhouse gas, administration officials decided to act quickly before more damage was done to the environment.

The Department of Homeland Security (DHS) has been given the task of formulating the necessary regulations.  While still in draft form, the proposed regulations call for each citizen to be given a quota of daily breaths.  It is still being debated among the regulators whether to allow the existence of a secondary market for unused breaths.

The DHS technical division is working with major government contractors to develop personal breath monitors to enable the department’s enforcement division to adequately ensure that no one is using too much oxygen.  The ideal design will not only monitor the number of breaths but will also gauge and record the actual oxygen consumption and carbon dioxide emission.  A global positioning system will be incorporated to facilitate the tracking of breathing patterns.   A proposed feature of the device will be the will be the breath noise analyzer.  This feature will enable department officials to ensure that all citizens are using proper breathing techniques.  Small monitors will record the sound of each breath and ambient noise to help establish a data base for compliance assurance.  The information collected will be kept confidential.

Department officials have stated that they envision voluntary compliance and have no plans to use the built-in breath stop function.  “Law abiding citizens have nothing to fear,” said a department spokesman at a press conference announcing the regulations.  When asked if the president would be fitted for such a device, the questioner was assured that the devices were harmless.  He was then taken to another part of the building for a demonstration.

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